I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
