dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
