Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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