i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
