that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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