the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
