Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Is it because I queefed?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
