this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
