So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
