Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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