glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
