My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
