apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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