I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
