Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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