dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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