Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
