It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
