hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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