a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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