: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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