the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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