They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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