Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
