apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
the day after is always just damage control
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
