i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I deserve this hangover.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
