i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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