i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
