I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
