he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
