i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
