his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
