The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
