I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
