I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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