the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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