I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Do vagina's smell?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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