I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
