I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
