You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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