I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
