At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
