She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
