I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
