my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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