When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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