You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We were destined to go to rehab together
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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