they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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