break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
