Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
