Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
