Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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