I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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