Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
