it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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