i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
