My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
