Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
