My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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