watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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