I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
