If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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